Slack Chat: Falalalala, Mother Teresa

T: Hey J, why is Sheldon Adelson such a dick about legalizing marijuana? Does he own Philip Morris or something?

J: I bet they could grow kick-ass pot.

If they aren’t already … maybe they’ve got a special greenhouse out in the back, behind the John Deeres.

T: If the tobacco companies switched to pot, it would be something like 12 bucks a pound in North Carolina.

J: Probably.

T: And North Carolina would be the reddest state in the country.

J: Their eyes would be, anyway.

T: None of the democrats would remember to vote.

J: “Tuesday, time to vote.”

“What do you mean, it’s Thursday?”

T: The red (eye) state.

J: Colorado made $300 million last year in taxes on weed; that gets people’s attention. That’s a lotta damn tax money.

T:  We could export it, too. Dried cannabis powder, thc extract, grandma’s special brownies … we could exile Pauly Shore, and somebody might be willing to take him. Hell, he’s worth the price of the plane ticket, even if they scrap him for parts.

J: Wasn’t there some country that legalized all drugs? Portugal?

T: I googled it; Portugal decriminalized everything in 2001.

J: I imagine people are pretty happy there. Here’s the article.

Ten Years Ago Portugal Decriminalized All Drugs. What Happened Next? | The Fix

When the drug-drenched nation legalized all drugs within its borders, most critics predicted disaster. But the results took almost everybody by surprise.

T: I’ve been saying for years that we should do that.

J: It hasn’t turned Portugal into a hellhole. Well, any more than it already was.

T: The issue is never seen from both sides. Politicians maintain the “War on Drugs” as a backup boogieman, just in case they don’t have another one handy. The public doesn’t push back because they’ve been convinced that drugs are so morally repugnant that the lesson of prohibition doesn’t apply.

J: Portugal wasn’t really a hellhole anyway… maybe a heckhole.

T: I defy you to name one example where legislating morality didn’t create more problems than it solved.

J: The choir declines; it learned a long time ago not to make sucker bets with the preacher.

T: You say that now, but when it’s time to sing, you assholes always work together.

J: Falalalala, motherfu-.

T: AND ….

It’s a safety issue, to me. Legalizing drugs will gut the gangs who are responsible for 98 percent of the immigrant and minority crime.

Hmm … what does it mean that white people are the only Americans who don’t need to be high to commit crimes?

J: We’ve evolved?

Truthfully, white people do get high; they just don’t get arrested for it.

T: Maybe we should make America High Again.

J: Preach!

T: Too late. Falalalala back atcha, moth-


Prohibiting people from getting high has never, ever worked. They like it; they’re gonna find ways to do it.

T: The so-called war on drugs is just prohibition all over again.

J: If you can go down to the 7-11 and pick up an eight-ball, what are the gangbangers gonna do?

T: Morality is a tool politicians have always used to control the masses, not the other way around.

They legislate morality, not to be moral, but to be profitable. The nation would be far more profitable if we legalized everything, but the money would go to the nation, not to the lawmakers. So they ‘tain’t interested.

J: It’s an ugly catch-22.

T: Oh, and if we legalized drugs, slang terms would change to a lighter connotation, I think. An eight-ball would not conjure up images of dead comedians and drug dealers with their pants hanging halfway down their legs.

J: Prostitution should be legalized, too. Look at Nevada, the women there are safer and cleaner, and they make good money.

T: Plus Lamar Odom can get his eight balls at 7-11.

J: Speaking of ugly catch-22s.

T: Prostitution is illegal because we’ve been hoodwinked into believing that sex is somehow immoral.

J: And it always seems to be the holiest of the holier-than-thou who get caught in the bathroom stalls with little boys.

T: I’ll see your community pillar, and raise you a grain of salt.

J: Ok, but don’t bet a Lot.

T: It’s a fallacy that there are holier than thou people wandering amongst us; in our culture, who has ever been holy, let alone holier than the rest of us? Mother Teresa and Jesus. That’s the fucking list.

The rest of us stink when we shit, act like assholes when we get horny, and act like bigger assholes when we get high. We can’t be trusted alone with a chocolate cake, and we get lazy when we don’t have a specific job to do.

We aren’t evil because of this, just human. It’s human to be a lazy, horny asshole who would rather hoover a cake and smoke a joint than jog five miles and pick at a salad. It’s who we are. We don’t fart rainbows. I wasn’t there, but I doubt Mother Teresa did, either.

J: It’s the people who like to pretend that their shit doesn’t stink who are usually the worst under the skin.

T: You gotta admit, though – they sell a lot of Fabreze.

J: “Fabreze: so the shitty stinker’s stinky shitter don’t stink like shit.”

T: I got nothin’.

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