T: Hey J, I got an idea for a great show.
J: tv show?
T: Yeah. Jersey Shore vs. Duck Dynasty in a battle to the death. The winners get to fuck the Kardashians, the losers have to go fuck the Honey Boo Boos.
J: Won’t the losers be dead?
T: Oh, right.
J: Honey Boo Boo is going to have to go fuck herself.
T: That poor kid. That poor, poor little diabetic coma-waiting-to-happen kid. That poor, she probably already has three step sister nephew-children kid.
J: She probably weighs 450 pounds too.
T: “How do you solve a problem climb a mountain like Honey Boo Boo?
J: “Here Comes Honey Moo Moo”
T: Her husband is a crane operator. How funny is that?
J: Do you mean ironic?
T: Well, it better be ironic.
J: No kidding – a wooden crane ain’t lifting that mountain.
J: You can’t make this stuff up:
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (WKRC) – A Jacksonville man accidentally shot himself in the penis when he sat down on a gun in the driver’s seat in his car. Several media outlets report that the man ran into his girlfriend’s house after the gun discharged.
T: I’m impressed, to be honest. He hit such a small target.
J: Florida Man strikes again.
T: Did he have health care?
J: This might be the ultimate Florida Man story:
Man catches penis in swimming pool suction fitting.
T: Yaknow, I never really thought of Florida as a redneck state until recently. I always thought of it as a giant Miami.
J: There’s two things about this next one.. it’s on the website of Fairleigh Dickinson… and the study was obviously done at the wrong place… should’ve been USC, they’re the Trojans.
T: I’m not reading anything in APA style; gimme the upshot. What’s the rub?
So to speak.
J: It’s a study on condom usage among college students.
T: What’s Farleigh Dickinson’s mascot, the diaphragm?
J: Fairly Dickinsome.
T: That’s about a third grade level joke.
J: And my mother said I’d never grow up.
T: That’s a legitimate threat when she’s holding a meat cleaver.
J: Naw, I could always outrun her. She could still hit into her 40s, but she lost her legs early.
T: You see Dance Mom’s new show, Salad Tossing Moms?
J: She’ll be in there until the cows come home. Or one cow.
T: Dance Mom going to jail is poetic justice. It’s too bad they can’t beat her to death with an iron skillet, all the while yelling “leave my fucking kids alone you fat Hitler bitch!!!”
But then again, I never thought giving a bunch of money to some fat angry cow to yell at the wretched offspring of failed ballerinas was a good idea in the first place.
J: That sentence would asphyxiate Houdini.
T: Trump met Putin.
J: Beware the Draconian subject change.
T: Gary’s a bad influence on me.
J: Flippin’ Canadians.
T: The Trump-Putin meeting took over two hours. I guess Putin is pretty old, so it takes him a long time to cum.
J: Would too many teeth have been an international incident?
T: Trump still has teeth?
J: Did you check out that old Russian wargame?
T: I did. I was going to make a joke about Mongol whores, but I deleted it because the timeline doesn’t match up. The Mongols were gone by 1444.
I wouldn’t want somebody to give me the “read a fuckin’ history book, moron” treatment.
J: You have to make sure that your jokes are historically accurate now?
T: Maybe I can go “too bad the Mongol whores were gone by then.”
I mean hordes.
J: Whores, hordes, what’s the difference?
T: If you don’t know the difference, stay the hell out of Times Square.
J: I think the Rome Total War game is the best, it has good combat mechanics and a good trade/diplomacy mechanic. I took a nomadic tribe of goatfuckers and conquered most of the known world… I could have taken over the rest but it got boring.
T: Well, if you start with goatfuckers, isn’t that like adding a machine gun to the battle of Jericho?
J: “A tribe of goat fuckers” has an 80’s new wave band ring to it.
T: Imagine the credits at the end of the movie, watching it with one of the extras. “Hey, check it out, I was in that movie! There’s my name, right there! 16th goat fucker, that’s me!”
Ok, I’ll stop.
J: The idea was to conquer a nearby band of slightly more advanced goatfuckers, then steal their tech to improve weaponry… repeat, each time conquering slightly more advanced tribes/cities and turning their tech to make weapons for the glory of Greater Goatfuckistan.
Eventually I was able to take over the entire Roman Empire.
T: Yeah, it’s all fun and games until all your kids look like Omar Sharif.
J: Johnny Carson’s ghost thinks that’s an old reference.
T: By kids I mean the baby goats.
J: “Who’s your da-a-a-a-a-a-a-ddy?”
T: You tell a hardcore Christian that Jesus was probably a 4 foot 10 inch version of Omar Sharif, and man do they get pissed off.
J: They all think Jesus looked like Aragorn, from Lord of the Rings.
T: Hey J, did you see that tweet from Toby Keith’s daughter? She called him “the best dad I ever had.”
Which just goes to show: if you have to pick one, your dad might be a redneck.
J: If your mama takes you to a truck stop and says “your daddy’s around here somewhere,” you might be a redneck.
T: If there’s a present under your tree that says “To Uncle Daddy, from your Nephew, Junior,” you might want to talk to someone from Duck Dynasty about a spin-off.
J: If your stepmother, cousin, aunt and stepsister are all the same person …
T: If you have a step-twin …
J: If you put a dollar $ign in your name …
T: I dunno why, but every time I see the word “Ke$ha” I envision the term “bloated corpse”
J: Is hers the most slappable face in entertainment history? Or is it Taylor Swift?
T: I don’t mind Taylor Swift; she writes good songs and she dances to ELO.
J: It’s hard to hate those ELO dancers.
T: Isn’t EMO dancer a thing?
J: Are you asking the guy who was your best man, like … 30 years ago?
T: Yeah, wtf was I thinking?
J: You gave yourself away with the ELO reference.
T: Ke$ha, she’s probably fine, just like anyone else, trying to make a buck in the entertainment industry. But she has that desperate, Anna Nicole vibe.
J: Check this out; Anna Nicole and George Takei, blowing shit up
Literally, in one case.
E*TRADE Blow’d Up Commercial
T: Nothing says “sell like a motherfucker” more than the dreaded Anna Nicole-George Takai team.
J: I’d sell that stock in a heartbeat.